Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur
Elder Attorneys at Law
1206 Miskatonic Way, Suite 666
Arkham, MA 01021

Microsoft Corporation
Legal Division
Seattle, WA

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

* Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;

* No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into gibbering insanity;

* A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;

* Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods);

* Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at a terrible cost to the user;

* The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering abominations with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

The above letter, submitted by Kevin Kulp, appeared as an article in the alt. horror. cthulhu newsgroup on Tuesday, 11 March 1997. It is reprinted here for educational/illustration purposes only.

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This page revised 28 August 2007